You know what’s boring? Things that make sense. In other words, almost everything. Do you know what’s not boring? Anything that you find weird. The best things in life employ some bizarre tension of opposites, which is why the peanut butter & jelly sandwich is basically the best invention ever.
Any artist can be successful, but the true upper echelon of public personas is made of people who find a niche and own it to death. They embody a quirk that lifts them, like a sexy balloon above all the others. This happened a lot in the 80s because all then men looked kind of like women (make up, long hair, high pants) and all the women looked kind of like men (shoulder pads, short hair, also high pants). Grace Jones was the original Blade. Elvis wore a cape in the 70s. Prince became a symbol in the 90s.
The worst thing that can happen to music isn’t bad music. It’s boring music. It’s complacency.
Knowing that, let’s take a look at the secret genius of today’s scene.
1.) Joaquin Phoenix’s Beard.
There’s some real poetry here. People are upset that he quit acting and decided to start rapping - mainly because he can’t rap - but check it out: HE DOESN’T NEED TO MOVE HIS LIPS. You can’t even see his mouth. What does this mean? It means Chris Brown has a promising future as J. Pheen’s phantom voice. If this guy can perform (read: not open his mouth) half as good as he can be that guy from Gladiator, he’ll be hanging out with Rick Rubin in no time, being a baller and doing whatever bearded guys do.
2.) Katy Perry’s Fruit Suits.
The Slutty-Virgin dichotomy is nothing new (Miley, Britney, Morrissey…), but brilliant Katy Perry flipped the whole concept on its ear. The general philosophy is, you drum up the most publicity if you say you’re a virgin and act well, slutty. But Perry says she’s slutty and acts like a piece of watermelon. Ah, she just crossed the wires in my brain again! Up is down and sexy is nutritious. I’m about to kiss my phone and punch a hamburger. When she and Travis McCoy broke up, he was probably like, “Wait, was I just doing my taxes?” That’s called social hypnotism and KP just put the whammy on you, son.
3.) Everything about BrokeNCYDE.
These guys need a Nobel Peace Prize and a shout out in everyone’s yearbook for Band Embodying the Most Contradictions Ever. Ok. It’s 2009 and Hip Hop geek and Nu Rave and Electro Pop are essentially all overlapping circles but no one wants to admit it. BrokeNCYDE were just the first people to be like, “Yeah, we know. We’re all that plus a pig suit.” They got the emo hair, hip hop hoodies, tattoos, Kanye shades, moon shoes, tight pants, they sing with vocoders, scream like demons, live in the ‘burbs, and I think I’m the President of their fan club. So hit me up if you want merch.
4.) Banjos.
Up until recently they were sort of like Griffins and Segways. You know what they look like but you never really see them in real life. And that one time you heard one at the county fair, you knew instinctively to avoid rivers and go home immediately. Not so anymore. The banjo is the new cowbell but whereas cowbells only worked on two levels (funny and dinner), banjos mean so much more (funny, dancing, booze, pie, yelling, jumping, outer space, love, mountains, the concept of infinity, magic, money and lasers). You listen to a banjo and you feel both young and old. It is the wisest of all instruments, which is why all smart bands have one. Listen to Thao and know your destiny.
5.) Beyoncé’s Terminator Hand.
She’s all trying to kill John Conner and nobody cares because she’s Sasha Fierce. That’s true power. This is big. This is Cat Stevens giving up music big. This is Lance Bass almost going to space big. This is Joaquin Phoenix probably going back to acting big. (J/K, nothing is that big!) Her glove is what makes her Fierce. It’s her Clark Kent glasses, because Beyoncé is actually the way bigger superhero, not Sasha Fierce. And the fact that I’m debating who’s a bigger star, Beyoncé, or Beyoncé with a glove, means her gimmick is working.
This was originally a 6-point list but I forgot the last one. Maybe you know it.
