South By Southwest is the same as Disneyland and Williamsburg and your ex-girlfriend’s wedding. It’s fun to be there while it’s simultaneously fun to make fun of it too. SXSW is one of those large events that attract enough people where culture itself is accelerated. Internet memes are born there. Mobile technology is put to the ultimate field test as people Twitter live locations of parties, 1,000 photos per second are snapped and uploaded to various sites, everyone is interviewing everyone and through it all, people are rolling their eyes because, well… just look at it. People returning from SX feel slightly wiser from having experienced something so large and bizarre and yet their snark is just a little bit sharper.
But you’re not going for that. You’re going to SXSW for free tacos, free shows and free parties. In short, you’re going for the fun, which is what SX should be about. So grab a Sharpie and follow me.
By using or wearing your marker strategically, you can do anything you want at SXSW.
Hands
People working venues don’t reeeeally care anyway. Just scribble something on your hand and walk in. If anyone starts to hassle you, just say something like, “my wristband has to be downloaded inside,” and then mumble how you’ll micro tweet him about it later. IN.
Refreshments
Are you thirsty? Can you pick up that piece of paper on the floor? It’s as easy as that. If there’s one thing bartenders love doing it’s hooking people up, even if the reason is mad flimsy like you got a note from a made-up person. They also like tips, so do that as well. Make mine a double.
Be a PA
Hang that marker on your collar, son. At SX, your shirt is your billboard and no self-respecting scenester would ever do something silly like dangle a pen in front of it. Therefore, you must be working in production and are too busy to be bothered with such frivolous jive. Wear that marker, look hurried and help yourself to that table of food; it’s your own personal craft service and you’re a PA working on the Free Dinner Show.
Shirts
Speaking of shirts being a big deal, turn yourself into a Security dude so you can go backstage and get me a Gatorade! You can write anything on your shirt and people will believe it. Seriously. Write MERCURY POISONING on your shirt and strangers will be like, “Yo, do you want me to call your boss?” My shirt says TRUST ME and your shirt says OK.
Face
We’ve had a fun night but now let’s go to a super secret after party. They don’t follow traditional rules, so you have to take it outside the box here. And by that, I mean draw on your face.
Also, don’t forget to have enough money to get back home. Austin is fun, but when you’re stuck there with no dough and you have permanent marker on your face, things can turn bad pretty quickly.
Other things you should know:
• A lot of stuff at SX is already free, including lots of shows and food, so if you can recognize it, capitalize on it and save your ink.
• But be kind. Austin is basically a large couch that your buddy is letting you party/sleep on for a few days so don’t be a meanie.
• Eat BBQ.
